What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 09:17
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do I feel sleepy after massage?
We were not on the streets..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
What did i know ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Are rich people harder workers than poor people as a whole?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What do feminists mean when they say they want to ‘normalize’ menstruation and its discussion?
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What is the most heartbreaking thing your child has told you?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
How were cows used in ancient India?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Which Bibles can one read and be confident they are reading the inerrant word of God?
Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
Have you been with a stranger yet?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why is blood sugar ranging from 70-180 in a day and checked through a glucometer?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do so many people like life?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I don,t even have a pension.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She found it foreign!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
All the time i was locked up.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it wasn’t much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We all went to grammer schools
She married twice! .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I waited trembling.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was seconnd youngest,
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When she asked me how she looked .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She wouldn,t have been !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .